tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4777014616810205278.post1050810229688136177..comments2011-02-27T21:09:36.022-08:00Comments on Useful Entropy: The Cinnamon Girl - A Short Story by Jake ConradJake Conradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08741859781924527621noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4777014616810205278.post-49679864905867789602010-07-01T10:05:30.101-07:002010-07-01T10:05:30.101-07:00so, you wrote a story about a multiple personality...so, you wrote a story about a multiple personality girl. Hmmm, the minute I read the first paragraph, I knew that the "Daddy" was a creepy loser man who was a person who deserved to die. You did an amazing job Jake. You are a great writer!!! Now I would love to see a short story about how that girl is living as a teenager (you can come to me if you need information from that perspective) I am very proud of you. I am sure that Jana thinks it is all right on!!Carolyn Lawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08875176503200029544noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4777014616810205278.post-81355530282390155242010-07-01T09:09:13.993-07:002010-07-01T09:09:13.993-07:00Nice...I like it.
The journal format is fun and h...Nice...I like it.<br /><br />The journal format is fun and hard to pull off sometimes. I felt like you captured the 9 year old voice pretty well and made her believable and relatable. Having it from her perspective also presented a semi-disjointed narrative with the gaps and perspective of a young child which helped keep the suspense going.<br /><br />The foreshadowing of the darker direction was nicely done...apparent but not overt.<br /><br />I'm a little confused about the status/presence of the red-haired woman, particularly the transition of her dark/frightening persona in the first dream (as the nurse) and the later appearance as the compassionate/friendly primary teacher and eventual savior to Cinnamon.<br /><br />The final journal entry was a little confusing as well for a couple of reasons. First of all, what continued to confuse me after reading that entry is why the red-haired woman's narrative is a journal entry...it seems odd that she would write something in Cinnamon's journal (especially if that journal was intended to be evidence) but that was the way I understood it.<br /><br />I was initially confused as to who was writing this entry and once I gathered that it must be the 'red haired woman', I was confused as to her status...I think she took the place of Cinnamon somehow and intercepted the father's actions and then killed/buried him. This makes me wonder and want to know more about her. Is she some sort of guardian/avenging angel? What is her larger status/purpose/presence? Leaving these questions vague and unanswered is good and acceptable since she's well portrayed.<br /><br />So I think, as far as form/function of the story, the only thing I would maybe try and change would be working out the distinction of that final 'entry'...It makes sense for the red-haired woman to give that final narrative. But to me it felt like it should be something more separated from Cinnamon's journal. <br /><br /><br /><br />Good writing.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing.Okiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01393689307300304035noreply@blogger.com